


Climax Control

by baozisdragon



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Bad Humor, But Not Too Seriously, Casual Discussion of Sex, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Yoo Kihyun feat. His Disaster Boyfriends, bad language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 18:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18452591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baozisdragon/pseuds/baozisdragon
Summary: In which Minhyuk goes for bronze, Kihyun gets a headache, and Hoseok gets cheated out of a good time.





	Climax Control

**Author's Note:**

> jus sum silliness

It’s with an exhausted sigh that Kihyun plops down into his usual seat in the hospital cafeteria, placing his lunchbox in front of him on the scuffed plastic table with a clatter. He’s had a long day dealing with arrogant doctors and hapless patients since the early morning, and it’s left him with a little bit of a headache thumping away at his temples. He plans to make the most of his half hour lunch break by taking his time to enjoy the salad he’d brought from home, and watching an episode of that new true crime drama that Hyungwon from the neonatal floor recommended to him.

 

He’s just poured his dressing (blueberry vinaigrette) over his salad (dotted with dried cranberries) and opened up his streaming app, sore feet tapping the linoleum with excitement, when his screen darkens, and an incoming call takes over it. He frowns slightly before he reads the contact name, which makes the corners of his mouth dip down even further. He seriously contemplates letting it go to voicemail before caving, and swiping it open. “What, Minhyuk.”

 

His boyfriend makes an affronted squawk. “What kind of greeting is that for the love of your life?”

 

“Well it’s not Hoseok that called me, so I don’t know why I should greet you like I would him.” Kihyun idly spears a spinach leaf with his fork and pops it into his mouth.

 

Minhyuk becomes petulant. “Fine then, talk to him if you hate me so much.” There’s a brief shuffling of the phone and some hushed but emphatic words that Kihyun can’t catch before Hoseok’s familiar ‘hullo’ comes over the line.

 

“Hi baby,” Kihyun grins into the receiver. The phone must have been on speaker, as he can hear Minhyuk screech in the background. “What’s up?”

 

“Okay, so, I have a hypothetical for you.”

 

Kihyun can feel his own expression sour. “What kind?”

 

“Well, okay, maybe it’s not  _ totally  _ hypothetical -  _ ow _ ! B-But something that happened to a, uh, friend of mine.” His voice becomes muffled like he’s turned away from the phone. _ “Seriously Minhyuk, I told you not to pinch me like that.” _

 

Kihyun’s brow is raised so high he’s sure it’s audible to his two boyfriends all the way back at their apartment. “Mhmm.”

 

“So. My, uh, friend, wanted to try something a little new in the bedroom with his, uh, girlfriend. So he bought this, spray, like - one second.” Scratchy noises, like Hoseok has put his hand over the speaker.  _ “What’s it called again?” _

 

Minhyuk replies something unintelligible.

 

_ “Right.”  _ The hand gets lifted. “This ‘Climax Control’ spray, to make him, you know, last longer. During sex.”

 

“I know what it’s for, my love.” Kihyun calls upon every last reserve of patience in his body. “What, exactly, is the point of this story?”

 

“I’m getting to that. So he used the spray, like forty five minutes ago, and he realizes in the middle of fucking me- I mean his girlfriend! That his dick is like, totally numb. Like it’s not even there.”

 

_ “Tell him that it feels like that time I tried to use a rubber band as a cock ring.” _

 

Hoseok makes a noise of affirmation. “So one time he tried to use a rubber band as a-“

 

“Hoseok?” Kihyun’s headache is a thousand times worse than it was when he first sat down. “Put Minhyuk back on the phone.”

 

The line goes quiet, and Kihyun can see in his mind's eye the way the two of them are probably looking at each other in a panic, fumbling the phone between them like morons. The mental image is enough to put at least a small smile on his face while he waits.

 

“Oh, so now you wanna talk to me?” Minhyuk pouts. Kihyun wants to strangle him, or maybe kiss him. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

 

“I do now that I know you’re possibly having a medical emergency,” he says flatly. “Besides, I’m pretty attached to your dick. I’d hate for it to fall off.”

 

Minhyuk goes silent. “It could fall off?” 

 

“Just to clarify, this is not a hypothetical situation, and you two dumbasses are just sitting there, naked, calling me instead of the actual hospital.”

 

“Okay, first off, Hoseok put a big shirt on, so only one of us is naked. And second, you’re all the medical professional that I need, baby.”

 

Kihyun feels the compulsion to wipe his ear off, make sure the grease Minhyuk was spitting out didn’t seep through the phone. Instead he just looks forlornly down into his lunch, and exhales heartily.

 

“Start from the beginning, please.”

 

“Well like Hoseokkie said, I bought this spray that said it could increase my endurance, used it earlier, and now my dick is like, totally numb.”

 

Kihyun takes a glance down at his watch. “Why are you even having sex right now? It’s 1pm.”

 

“Hoseok was wearing those little orange shorts, the ones with the slits up the side? And no underwear. I’m only a man, Kihyun.”

 

“Well are you still hard?” 

 

“Oh, not at all. We stopped the festivities because I thought my dick fell off or something, and it lost interest pretty soon after I did.”

 

“And you followed the directions on the bottle?”

 

“You know I don’t read directions,” Minhyuk says dismissively. Kihyun rubs the pads of his fingers into his eyes. He does know that.

 

“Okay, so, maybe go do that? See what they say, at least?”

 

“Smart.” Minhyuk retrieves the package after what sounds like digging through the little trash can in their bedroom for a moment. It’s quiet as Minhyuk reads, before he hmm’s importantly. “Yeah, I definitely should have read these before, I totally used it wrong.”

 

Kihyun wants to bash his head against the table, and just barely stops himself from doing it by making eye contact with one of the middle aged women serving lunch. “How, pray tell, did you use it wrong?”

 

“Well for one thing, it says ‘Go For The Bronze’ across the back, which is hilarious.”

 

“I don’t get it,” Hoseok says from what sounds like the other room.

 

“Well, you know, normally you would go for the gold and finish first-“

 

“Minhyuk-“

 

“-but with this you don’t wanna finish first, so you’re going for bronze, like, third place.” 

 

Hoseok barks a happy laugh. “That is funny.”

 

“Right?”

 

“Oh my fucking god,” Kihyun murmurs.

 

“Sorry, where was I? Oh. Well the instructions say to use it while flaccid, definitely didn’t do that, and uh, oh yeah, I totally fucked up. It says here ‘don’t spray more than 5 times’. I used like, half the bottle.”

 

“Does it say anywhere what to do if you are an absolute idiot and don’t read those directions?”

 

Minhyuk lets the insult slide graciously. “Uhh yeah, it does. Says wash off with warm water, towel dry, wait an hour, that kind of stuff.”

 

“And did you do any of that?” Kihyun feels more and more like a beleaguered single father with every word out of his mouth.

 

“No, I kinda just pulled out, used a wet wipe real fast and then called you.”

 

“Maybe go do that stuff then. Medically speaking I don’t think anything’s going to happen, you just need to not use your dick for a day or two. No topping for you for at least 24 hours.”

 

“Kihyun. Babe. Be serious.”

 

“I am dead serious.”

 

“Would you ask Picasso to put down his brush? Or Michelangelo to put down his chisel-“

 

“What did I say about comparing your genitals to renowned artists?”

 

Minhyuk mumbles his answer. “Not to.”

 

“Right. Now go get in the shower and give the phone to Hoseok.”

 

Minhyuk gripes as he completes his task, leaving the room with a ripe raspberry blown in the phone’s direction. Hoseok sighs dreamily into the receiver, while Kihyun just kind of shrinks down like a tired old man, hunched over his tupperware of steadily soaking spinach.

 

“Did you hear what I told Minhyukkie?”

 

“Nope.” Hoseok pops the p, sounding distracted.

 

“Well no more sex for now, okay? You need to give his dick a rest.” Hoseok groans mournfully, but obediently. 

 

“Tell me how I have two whole boyfriends and yet here I am,  _ still _ having to get myself off. This is the worst. I want to speak to a manager.”

 

“I am the manager. And don’t blame me, my dick still works perfectly fine.”

 

A gaggle of twitchy interns choose this exact second to wander past him in a nervous clump. The whole group shoots him wide-eyed glances after his outburst, turning his cheeks crimson. 

 

Hoseok simpers. “Does it now?”

 

Kihyun sputters. “I am at work right now hyung, don’t do this to me.”

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll wait until you get home to do things to you. I’m a good boy, aren’t I?”

 

Kihyun chokes with enough force to send him into a coughing fit. His cheeks burn like live coals when several other hospital staff look over in concern. Hoseok’s bell-like laughter is the soundtrack to his humiliation. 

 

“Just text me when he feels better. Goodbye.”

 

“Okay, love you!”

 

Kihyun manages to bite out an answering ‘love you too’ through teeth tightly clenched. He collects himself, sends placating smiles at all of his fellow nurses still looking at him like he’s infirm, glances again at his watch. Wholly unsurprised that he only has about three minutes left on his break, he resigns himself to shoveling what’s left of his salad into his mouth, chewing like a deranged rodent as he goes, and hurrying off to start his rounds.

  
  


An hour later his phone chimes in his pocket. He hurries into the tiny employee restroom cubicle attached to his station, and opens the notification.

 

It’s a selfie sent from Hoseok into their group chat, his body only half in the frame. It looks like he’d taken it while kneeling on the floor of their bathroom, Minhyuk standing behind and to the left of him, completely in the raw and pointing at his (totally normal looking) junk with double finger guns.

 

**(seokkie, sent)**

_ ‘feeling is returning!! but don’t worry nurse yoo, hands off for now :’( see u when u get off! we love u! <3’ _

 

Kihyun doesn’t even realize he’s smiling until his screen turns black, and he’s confronted with his own face in the reflection, split in an idiot’s grin.

 

**(kiki, sent)**

_ <3 _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh hope u enjoyed asksksllaks


End file.
